"We are born of the earth, and thus, propelled into its dualistic nature. One must first live amidst the depths of darkness in order to comprehend the sheer grace of its intrinsic counterpart; which is, of course... Light."- S. L.
The first day it happened I didn’t trust it and was afraid to go to sleep that night thinking I would wake up with the same agony I had awoken to for months, but I was wrong. Each day I consistently woke up feeling ok. By mid-day my symptoms would return and I would have to rest, but I was improving and to me this was beyond a miracle.
After a few weeks of this, I felt I had reached a plateau with the Zithromax I was taking, and sought out different kinds of alternative healing modalities that could help me along with the antibiotics. The first thing I found was Reiki – an ancient Japanese healing technique that involved channeling the life-force energy of the so-called "Universe" and sending it into the body of the person the practitioner's hands were touching. I was skeptical at first, but could not deny that what she was doing to me felt remarkably good. My body soaked up the heat from her hands like a dry sponge would after being plunged into water. I was so curious about this technique that I decided to become a practitioner as well, so that I could give Reiki to myself; something I would continue to do daily for months to come.
I was also able to finally absorb and assimilate new information and began reading books about combating illness and disease through healthy eating, as well as numerous books on the mind-body connection to health and healing. I slowly created a library of resources in an attempt to understand what I had gone through, and how I could possibly help myself heal. Eventually I even attended week-long seminars through the Upledger Institute, learning about Lymphatic Drainage and Craniosacral Therapy – all things that I would use often on myself in an attempt to accelerate this healing process. I was on a role with a whole new life, and a new-found sense of purpose.
A couple weeks later, I was even able to start working part-time again. I was given a simple, mindless job at Memorial Sloan Kettering and worked 5 hours every day creating charts for upcoming patients. This definitely was exhausting to me however, and by the time I got home, my symptoms would return with a vengeance, once even temporarily blinding me, and I was forced to spend the rest of the day in bed, giving myself Reiki, and simply waiting for the pain to cease.
Things went on like this for a couple months, but when winter was well on its way, I made plans to move to Florida and live with my father. I couldn’t bare the thought of relapsing over the winter and felt that Florida would be a much more suitable climate for me.
 |
| Me and Karen 2004 (Best Friend I ever had! xo) |
When I first arrived in Florida, I had felt so lucky, in awe even, to have my health nearly restored that I felt compelled to perform some kind of physical feat that would remind me just how far I had come. I eventually joined a charitable foundation for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society called “Team in Training”, raised $4,000 for them and, in exchange, was trained for 6 months in preparation to fly to Lake Tahoe and complete a 100-mile bike ride around the lake itself in a single day.
I rode and trained for this event for the next 6 months and when the time came, was able to complete the century at pretty darn good pace. I remember passing through that finish line, getting off my bike, and never, not once, getting back on it again – I had completed my self-motivated challenge and succeeded. I went to bed that night with an astonishing sense of accomplishment, gratitude, and amazement; in fact, I don't think I've ever come close to that feeling of complete and utter peace since that day.
 |
| Team in Training, Lake Tahoe Century 2004 |
There was only one thing I had to worry about while I was there. You see, I still was taking 250 mg everyday of Zithromax. I would wake up a 7:30am every morning, take the medicine and feel pretty good throughout the day. However, I noticed that if for some reason I overslept and woke up at 10am, I would immediately feel disorientated, uncoordinated, and the pain in my spine and joints would already be there. Within 20 minutes of taking the antibiotic my symptoms would simply stop and I could go on with my day, but the realization that I still needed this medicine in order to function concerned me. What if one day my body became immune to it? Or – god forbid, what if I couldn’t find a doctor that would continue to prescribe it to me? What would I do? How quickly would I relapse? I tried to push these fears aside and became thoroughly involved in the alternative medicine practices I had learned - hoping in vain that one day I would no longer need the antibiotic to function.
In 2005, I received my Massage License and decided I was ready to return to the Northeast and went to live with my twin sister, who at the time resided in Connecticut. A couple months later, our best friend from high school needed a place to stay, and within a week we all found a cozy little three-bedroom apartment in Trumbull, CT and moved on in.
This was the first time in my life that I was able to completely support myself. I was strong enough to work full-time as a massage therapist at a prestigious spa in Stamford, CT. It was a suitable vocation for me being that I was able to rest on warm and cozy massage tables in-between my appointments. I even received benefits from this job (something that is rare in the massage world) and was able to cover the cost of my antibiotic through the insurance it granted me.
The following year was a relatively happy one for me. I loved living with my sister and best friend, and was proud to be able to support myself and have money to spare. I tried to ignore the fact that on the two days I had off of work, all I could do was sleep from exhaustion, and that my symptoms would subtly, but manageably appear if I worked too hard and didn’t rest. Even though I was still not in perfect health, I was maintaining, and the contrast to what I had experienced in the throes of illness was so startlingly different – almost like night and day – that I felt grateful for whatever energy and life I had been granted.
 |
| Favorite Pic of my sis and our best friend, Jess. xo |
One random day in 2006, however, something changed – something that I’ll never forget. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I had taken that day off and went to the movies to see “The DaVinci Code” with a guy I had been dating for awhile, but knew was about to turn sour. After 6 months of nothing but chemistry, we were starting to realize that we had absolutely nothing in common, knew it wasn’t going to work out, but procrastinated in breaking up, having grown somewhat attached to each other.
The tension between us that day grew to a breaking point and I found myself drinking a ton of coffee and sugar in a silly attempt to comfort myself about it – something I knew was against the “Lyme Code” - no sugar, coffee, nicotine or alcohol allowed!
Later on that evening I developed a strangely familiar headache that increased in both volume and pain as the time went by. Looking at our fluorescently lit apartment began to hurt my eyes and make the pain worse which, by now was creeping down my spine. Suddenly a strange sense of dread and anxiety coursed throughout my body and I was unable to think clearly. I became extremely agitated and angry with my roommate, begging for her to help me in some way. Why was this happening? What was going on? I had distinctly remembered taking my antibiotic that morning so I was sure it couldn’t possibly be a relapse. As time went by though and my symptoms continued to worsen, I finally convinced myself to take another dose of medicine just to see what would happen.
I remember swallowing that pink pill, for the second time that day, and running into my bedroom to lie down and wait, with nothing but hope for the terror and pain I was experiencing to subside. I gripped my pillow tightly for twenty minutes, praying for it to stop when suddenly, I felt a wonderful and warm sensation spread throughout my spine and head, thankfully releasing something that had tightened there. In less than 10 minutes afterwards, all my symptoms abated, even the anxiety and dread was gone – everything was normal again. Everything except one thing – the startling realization that the dam the antibiotic had created against the bacteria, preventing it from becoming active, was starting to break.
Frightened by the sudden reminder of my nightmarish past, I kind of resolve swept over me, and I vowed to keep myself healthy and avoided any kind of Lyme triggering elements, in hopes that it would sustain me. I began toying with the idea of going back to a doctor who might be able to cure me so that I did not have to take the antibiotics anymore, but immediately shoved the thought from my mind. I didn’t know what they would do, and if they decided to put me on something else or try a different therapy, what would happen if it didn’t work and I fell ill? I simply didn’t have time to be sick – I had to work, to pay for bills - to survive. Continuing the antibiotic allowed me to do all these things and I would not forsake the life I had worked so hard have.
I did notice that if I stayed away from unhealthy foods and rested enough, that the one pill a day regime was enough. From then on, if I slipped and felt my symptoms starting to return I would simply take two of them and push the matter aside – after all, it worked.
In March of 2007, our lease on the apartment came to an end and our friend moved to New York City to be close to her place of work, happily forgoing the annoying two-hour commute it took to get her there when she resided in Connecticut with us. By this time, my sister had already been transferred by the company she worked for to Los Angeles, and I eventually decided to follow her out there.
I had always dreamed of living in Northern California – close to the Redwoods, and figured that by going, I was, at least, on the correct side of the country (even if it was more southern than I would have preferred), was with my sister, and one day might be able to actually travel north towards my dream life amidst those ancient giants.
It took a few months for us to get settled in, going through some bumps in the road soon after we got there, but by the summer of 2007, I had finally received my massage permit and was working at Burke Williams Day Spa on Sunset as a massage therapist, and also at a doctor’s office as a receptionist part-time – something I had to do in order to pay for the enormous cost of living in the city, coupled with the added expense of having to pay $250 a month for my antibiotic as I was awaiting my probation period to end at the spa, and for the insurance they offered after it did.
Socially, we had managed to establish very friendly relationships with nearly everyone in our apartment building, creating a cozy community-feel that was nearly unheard of in city-life LA. Together, we all turned the trash-ridden, dumping spot that was once a common outdoor area into a beautiful garden, filling it with flower-beds, tables, chairs, adding a community barbecue grill and various other fun and creative decorative items – everyone contributed something to it. Throughout the entire summer our nights echoed with nothing but laughter, fun, and food.
 |
| Part of the "4437 Crew" Love you guys! |
Looking back on this time period, I can’t help but smile at the warm memories I had. No one knew of my previous medical history, could even suspect it – I was vibrant and full of life when they met me. When I did mention it they seemed not to understand – how could they? Lyme wasn’t prevalent in the city, and they had never seen what it could do before.
During this time, my sister had developed a relationship with her boss who was in need of a good massage therapist. We drove to her house one day so that I could give both her and her son a massage. We began a seemingly harmless conversation about her past cancer diagnosis and long road to recovery, and I tried to comfort her by relating my story with Lyme so that she would know that I understood how it felt to vulnerable and sick.
When I mentioned that it had been four years and I was still taking Zithromax she balked at me, saying that there was no need for it. That by now, my body was most certainly resistant to the drug and not helping in any way, and that I would even feel better if I discontinued it. I couldn’t agree with her at the time – I thought my experiences were valid proof that it was indeed both needed and continuing to keep the illness at bay. Afterwards, however – I couldn’t help but ponder over what she had said.
She had been a sales representative for the antibiotic I was on after all, and probably knew more about the drug and how it works than I did. For the first time in my life I began to wonder if what I was experiencing was simply psychosomatic.
Her recommendation, coupled with the sheer expense of the antibiotic without insurance, along with the powerful but expensive pro-biotics I needed to buy weekly in order to prevent any kind of digestive issues associated with being on antibiotics for any great length of time was weighing heavily on my bank account. At the time, I also developed a strange congestive pain underneath my lower ribs on the right side, and thought that maybe the antibiotics were finally starting to annoy my gallbladder or liver because of it. It was the excuse I needed, and although I couldn’t say for certain why my side hurt, it was just what I needed to make the scale tip.
Finally, though procrastinating for as long as I could in order to prepare my body – attempting to make it as healthy as possible before the event. After a month or two of extreme discipline, I did indeed become so healthy that many of my friends remarked in wonder how I literally seemed to “glow” from my efforts. It was only then, during the first week of Septemeber 2007, that I attempted to stop the Zithromax, hoping for the best. This act would eventually become the second worst mistake I’d ever make in my life.
It only took five days...
No comments:
Post a Comment
All and any comments, criticisms, suggestions, shout-outs, or any other uncontainable remarks are ABSOLUTELY welcome : )